It’s 3 a.m. and I’ve tried everything to try and sleep. It’s been the same the last few nights. And contrary to popular belief, no, I don’t have an exam (well, at least not for a couple of months). My sleep deprivation has to do with my longest love affair. Again, don’t get cheeky, I’m talking about Bangalore. In just under 12 hours I will start the long journey to reunite with my beloved city. In just 24 hours from now I will get to see, smell and breathe in my city.
I can’t wait! I’m excited, anxious and nervous all at the same time. It’s almost a year since I was last there and it’s the longest I’ve ever been away. Time has flown by but some days it’s harder than most to stay so far away and long for something that’s so dear. Something that’s been in my life so long now that it no longer feels separate. The city feels like an extension of me and I really do feel physical pain every time I leave. It takes a lot of convincing myself as to why I am doing it. A lot of convincing to realise, yes! the pain and the longing is indeed worth it.
But as hard as leaving Bangalore is, coming back has it’s own sweet sorrow. I’ve been away for a year. A year is a long time. A long time to be apart. Has it changed? Have I changed? Will it still be as comfortable as it always was? Will the time lost change the feelings I have for it? Will it still be the way I remember it? The questions are unending. The fear almost paralysing. But even the fear can’t drown out the excitement, or maybe it’s the heady concoction that these two make up keeping me up until I finally get there and get my answers.
Whether I’m arriving or leaving, there’s always a fair share of self loathing. They’re among the only moments I actually hate myself, and the reason is the same why did I leave/why am I leaving? As long as I’m away from Bangalore this vicious cycle will continue and unfortunately for me while my heart and soul truly do belong in the city, my head has a mind of it’s own and ends up winning the struggle. But it soon, very soon, I’ll be able to come back and come back for good. Who knows, maybe someday I may even get tired of the city. Okay, who am I trying to kid?! That’s NEVER going to happen!